Alvalor (The rest of chapter three)

by Anna Graham
  • November 23, 2008
  • Novel / Chapter
  • Fantasy

So, i'm not sure how to delete this. I'll just leave it up for now, because it's late and my mind is mush.

:D

--Anna

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Dreamworx95
Review
Dreamworx95 wrote a review · Mon Nov 24, 2008 11:43 pm

a cold, hard dirt floor.


Comma after hard.

It was only then he remembered the events of last night.


You should put a that after then.

was very likely the rotting of hundreds of bloody bodies


Should be: very likely to be the rotting of hundreds of bloody bodies...

Will kicked at the wood, trying to vent his anger more than for the purpose of knocking something loose.


Hmm. I think you could rephrase this to make it sound better. Maybe something like this: Will kicked at the wood, more for the purpose of venting his anger than knocking it loose.

grinned with excitement.


I think, considering the situation, excitement is the wrong word to describe the circumstances. I think it should be "they sighed in relief" or something.

this precious portion of them would still be intact.


I think precious part would sound better.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure you got all the hyphenations. Lol.

This is a great chapter to connect Napodi and Will some more, but you also need to move the plot of the story. If I were you, I would add these "Napodi and Will moments" in each chapter while moving on with the story. It'll make it more interesting for you to write and fun for the reader to read.

Ciao baby,

Dreamworx95,

XOXO



Mudwesterner
— BlueAfrica